?

I think it's safe to say that anything I ever do will only bring me immense misery.

Today, I picked my violin up and played for about two hours. For those two full hours, I played nothing but the same song - over and over and over, until I got it right. The catch? I never did. And two hours may not be much, yes, but when those hours are filled with the same static in your mind, the same screaming voices - you can do better than that. You can do better than that. Why aren't you doing better than that?

Worthless.

For half of my life, I have convinced myself that nobody would ever surpass my level expertise. I say this for everything I have ever done. I, once, truly believed that I was the best. And if I wasn't, I would surely achieve that title soon enough.

Today, however, as my bow ran over the strings, I realized that my young, feeble brain had tricked itself into a false sense of superiority. I am inferior. So much so that it was all I could think of as I played the damn thing. Again, I thought as I messed up, mind fleeing from the piece. Again, again, again. My perseverance was not enough. I knew that - know that. No amount of perseverance could ever save me from my own unfortunate lack of talent. 

And yes, I am aware that talent is of no significance without diligence, but my diligence brings me nowhere but a flat plane - a plateau. I've hit my peak, but it's far from the top. And I cannot take that. I cannot stomach the idea of not being the absolute best. I have to be the best. It is the only worth I have left.

Say, dear friend, do you reckon God looks down on us with contempt? Do you believe a being said to hold only true and unconditional love would be capable of that?

Forgive me, I've stopped believing in that a long time ago. It tore me apart.

I think a true God would see the faults in their creations and resent themself for it, wishing they could tear it all down. I like to believe that God sits in their chair day by day in silence and blows their own head up trying to search for a way to rid humanity of all its sins.

Jesus had died for all our sins, yes, but there are some that are truly unforgivable. I don't see how a God could ever let themself live with that.